Codependency

In codependent families, children may learn to believe that they are responsible for the emotional well-being of others and that they should not express their own needs or feelings. Codependency may take the form of people-pleasing, difficulty with boundary setting, perfectionism, anxiety, and shame, as it can often stem from not having the space to learn your needs and the safety to express them fully.

If you are codependent, you may use relationships as a way to validate yourself and/or your worth. For example, "If this person is happy, then I am happy. If this person does not feel good, then I do not feel good." When you place so much of your identity on how others feel or think, you can lose yourself in the process. Without intending to, you are actually avoiding intimacy, giving away your power, and losing out on the opportunity for authentic relationships.

Codependency shows up in patterns around denial, low self-esteem, compliance, control, and avoidance.

Below is a tool created by CoDA (Co-dependents Anonymous) to evaluate patterns and characteristics of codependence that will help increase your understanding of this dynamic.

Am I codependent?

Denial

  • You have a hard time identifying what you are feeling.

  • You minimize or deny how you feel.

  • You perceive yourself as unselfish and dedicated to the well-being of others.

Low Self-esteem

  • It is hard for you to make decisions.

  • You judge your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors as not good enough.

  • You are unable to identify what you need or want and ask for help.

  • You value others’ approval of your thoughts and feelings over your own opinion.

  • You perceive yourself as unlovable or unworthy.

Compliance

  • You compromise your values to avoid rejection and upsetting others.

  • You are loyal to a fault- and will stay in harmful or unhealthy relationships for too long.

  • You are afraid to express your viewpoints and opinions if they differ from others.

  • You may accept sex as a substitute for love.

Control

  • You believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves.

  • You try to convince others of what to think, feel, or do.

  • You feel resentful when others decline or reject your help or advice.

  • You offer advice without being asked.

  • You use sex to gain approval and acceptance.

  • It is important for you to feel needed by others.

Avoidance

  • You judge what others think, feel, or do.

  • You avoid intimacy in relationships to avoid vulnerability.

  • You use indirect communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.

  • You believe showing emotion is a sign of weakness.

If any of the above sound like you, then you have come to the right place. The first step is bringing this dynamic to your awareness so you can choose to make changes and create healthier patterns in how you relate to others. A lot of healing from codependency requires you to reconnect with your core, authentic self. This is an ongoing process. Your core self is not lost, you are just disconnected from it. I want to help you reclaim your identity.

If codependency is holding you back and interfering with your goals, I’d love to guide and support you in working through these patterns toward healthier thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

I will help you begin prioritizing YOU without guilt or doubt. YOU are good enough.

Resources: CoDA